[00:00:00] Hello, G'day. Welcome to the finale of Party In China, also known as Series 2, Episode 31.
[00:00:10] As it's the finale, I'd like to thank Wayne Foxy-Fox for all his hard work and his excellent production,
[00:00:19] and Hugh at Bytes.com. Now I shan't thank but should mention the lying bitch who ruined my life,
[00:00:28] as she's why I ended up in China, and Party In A Happy Stable Relationship doesn't sound as funny.
[00:00:37] As I was breaking my Aston contract, Summer said that she didn't have to pay me, unless I returned to Ghanu Foreign Language School.
[00:00:48] The next morning was bitterly cold, with gale-force gusts. Yet Sean and I found ourselves seated outside each classroom to administer exams,
[00:01:00] one of us at the front and one at the back doors.
[00:01:03] In typically us about fashion, the students came out to us individually,
[00:01:09] and we had a minute or so to assess each child's vocabulary, comprehension and grammar.
[00:01:16] Waste of time. A freezing fast.
[00:01:20] Most students didn't answer anything at all. I'd checked that they weren't snap frozen by letting the exam sheets blow away so they'd run and fetch me.
[00:01:30] Some were okay on simple questions like what is your name, but flummoxed by what is your favourite colour, or what does your father do?
[00:01:43] Although one boy earnestly informed me that his dad was a bus jumper, but he had no answer to my follow-up question.
[00:01:54] Like evil, can evil?
[00:01:56] Things got better after lunch. Summer had bought us each an electric warming cushion,
[00:02:02] so one part of the body would be too steamy while the rest grew icicles.
[00:02:07] And we'd moved upstairs to the next grade, so several of my Aston students were now being tested.
[00:02:16] It was nice to just give them an A and enjoy a friendly chat, rather than have to try and crowbar an answer out of an obdurate brain.
[00:02:26] I'd also brought a large hot coffee and taken the precaution of adding a generous dollop of Johnny Walker Red,
[00:02:34] which may be why when I asked the student to write their name in Chinese on the score sheet,
[00:02:41] I started adding things like, I just need your John Hancock on this Chinese Declaration of Independence.
[00:02:49] Please sign this petition to make one direction go both ways.
[00:02:54] Make an X here son and you'll be joining the United States Marines.
[00:03:00] Sign your name across my heart, I want you to be my baby.
[00:03:08] Sean overheard me and joined in with some good lines, but the only one I still remember was probably the best of the afternoon.
[00:03:16] In sleazy car salesman Patter, he told one bewildered student,
[00:03:22] Just write your name there sir and you'll be driving home in that shiny new Winnebago.
[00:03:30] After a day of icy invigilation, I'd been advised to f**k myself, my mother, my father and family dozens of times,
[00:03:40] without an explosion of vengeance as they'd all had the sense to yell it from another floor.
[00:03:47] Summer was embarrassed and urged me to identify the culprits but there were thousands of kids,
[00:03:53] all wearing the same uniform and all looking unnaturally innocent.
[00:03:58] Besides, it no longer sent me into a rage I'd given up.
[00:04:03] The next day the lesson was about household chores and one teenage boy up the back kept calling out and getting big laughs.
[00:04:12] I probably wouldn't have minded if he'd been doing it in English but he wasn't so.
[00:04:17] I made his classmates move their desks sufficiently for me to squeeze through and stand next to him,
[00:04:24] which had no effect at all. He was supremely unintimidated and continued being loud and I assumed funny,
[00:04:33] until one of the chores in the textbook was emptying the garbage bin,
[00:04:40] something which happened rarely in that classroom judging by the odor of the overflowing bin beside me.
[00:04:47] When I read out the garbage bin, I lifted it up high and demonstrated empty the garbage bin by upending it on his head.
[00:04:59] It earned the loudest and longest laugh of the day but he contributed by not removing the bin.
[00:05:07] That's dedication.
[00:05:08] I walked out of the class and the school convinced that my Chinese adventure was over.
[00:05:15] I didn't think I could sink any lower. And then I did.
[00:05:22] The battery of the Ganyu Flat was Ganyu Flat.
[00:05:29] So I was walking home from Suhuo with a couple of shopping bags of groceries, mainly German beer really.
[00:05:37] When my path was crossed by three men in their mid-twenties heading for the Bank of Agriculture,
[00:05:44] they paused on the steps of the bank to yell, Hello! at me.
[00:05:49] When I said nothing just nodded as I passed, one of them yelled,
[00:05:55] Yo! to my back and they all laughed and went inside.
[00:06:00] I stood absolutely still in the street for a little while,
[00:06:06] wishing that I'd kept count over the months because then I'd know exactly how many times people can tell me to f**k myself before I completely lose my mind.
[00:06:20] When I burst through the glass doors of the bank, one of the three was using an ATM.
[00:06:27] The other two saw the murderous look in my eyes and helpfully pointed him out as the perp.
[00:06:33] I grabbed his shoulder and spanned him around yelling, No f**k you, you little.
[00:06:39] But before I could finish my sentence and throw a punch, he ran backwards, literally ran.
[00:06:48] This dickhead was faster and nimbler in reverse than I was going forward.
[00:06:54] I chased him around the bank, in between rows of chairs, in front of astonished customers tellers
[00:07:01] and a single useless security guard.
[00:07:05] We did two laps before I realised two things.
[00:07:09] Number one, I wasn't getting any closer to catching him.
[00:07:14] And number two, assaulting someone in a bank full of cameras was like yelling boo in a tattoo parlor.
[00:07:22] There could well be permanent consequences.
[00:07:25] His two mates were still watching near the front doors as I left and I gave one of them a clip behind the ear.
[00:07:31] Unfair, but it made me feel better.
[00:07:34] Summer sadly accepted my written resignation and her daughter Grace burst into huge sobs when she heard I was leaving.
[00:07:45] We'd gotten on very well.
[00:07:47] I left the school and travelled straight to Leanne Jung Gang to invite Elena to come to Australia with me.
[00:07:54] She seemed both flattered and flustered.
[00:07:58] She worried that she wouldn't find work in Australia as she'd watched Aussie girls pole dance on YouTube
[00:08:05] and said they were much better than her, which I frankly couldn't imagine.
[00:08:10] So I doubled down and pointed out that she could work in Australia if we were husband and wife.
[00:08:18] I was confident that her attitude would change with my proposal and I was right.
[00:08:26] Her doubts completely disappeared.
[00:08:30] She definitely did not want to marry me.
[00:08:41] Iris John had told me that he and Cherie were splitting up, but that she and I should catch up when I passed through Shanghai.
[00:08:49] Still, I was surprised to receive her text saying she could book a hotel room for me if I liked.
[00:08:56] I did like.
[00:08:58] And she texted back that I'd be staying at the Shanghai Magnificent Hotel.
[00:09:04] Magnificent was a bit of a stretch, but it was twice as nice as the places where I usually stayed.
[00:09:10] Probably because it cost twice as much.
[00:09:13] Cherie suggested the House of Blues and Jazz near the Bund for our drink.
[00:09:18] It's a cool club, friendly people, great music and an acceptable selection of European beers.
[00:09:24] A little bit pricey, but so is Shanghai compared to the smaller cities.
[00:09:29] The decor had a speakeasy feel.
[00:09:31] Floor to ceiling, blood red drapes covered most of the wooden walls.
[00:09:36] Small tables were crowded together.
[00:09:39] The band played on a small corner stage and the dance floor was tiny.
[00:09:44] Fortunately, most people didn't dance, especially for which note when I started flinging Cherie around in some jive moves.
[00:09:53] She'd insisted she couldn't dance, but she was a quick learner.
[00:09:57] We even bowed to accept audience applause.
[00:10:01] I was having a great time with Cherie and spoiled it all by saying how sorry I was that she was about to break up with John.
[00:10:09] She hadn't heard about that and left to make a phone call,
[00:10:13] but after her example other partners were very willing to be twirled, juggled and did.
[00:10:19] The last night in China was a real boot.
[00:10:24] My last morning in China less so.
[00:10:28] I slept through the alarm and hadn't worked out how to get to the airport yet.
[00:10:33] During rushed ablutions and blurry repacking, again leaving a stack of stuff behind,
[00:10:40] I remembered the Maglev Express train,
[00:10:43] a high-speed shuttle between the airport and Longyang Road station.
[00:10:48] Maglev is a contraction of magnetic levitation,
[00:10:51] a comfortable train which floats on an invisible cushion of opposing forces.
[00:10:57] The ride feels like the rolling suspension of an old Rolls Royce or a Cadillac.
[00:11:02] I really liked it and I really liked not missing my plane home.
[00:11:08] It was fabulous to be back in Sydney, but I felt that I'd failed yet again.
[00:11:16] China 2, Kuzlo, NIL.
[00:11:20] At least this time I'd been a real teacher.
[00:11:23] I'd actually helped the Aston students and their teachers with their English language skills.
[00:11:30] But twice now I'd failed to jump the culture gap
[00:11:34] and lived in near constant confusion as a functioning illiterate.
[00:11:40] Before China I'd been known for not suffering fools happily,
[00:11:44] but now I'd been suffering as a fool very unhappily myself.
[00:11:50] I remember that when I was taught the Chinese call China the Middle Kingdom,
[00:11:55] it was because it was between heaven and hell.
[00:11:59] But that first character, Zhong, also means the centre of a city or a town.
[00:12:05] The middle kingdom is by definition the nation at the centre of everything.
[00:12:10] Every other ethnicity or nationality is further away from the most important place on the planet.
[00:12:18] They're at least unlucky if not unworthy.
[00:12:21] Now this is a medieval mindset.
[00:12:23] It could change with education and experience, particularly international travel,
[00:12:29] because until you leave your house you can't know how the neighbours see it.
[00:12:34] It's said this will be China's century,
[00:12:37] surpassing the USA in financial, political and military importance within 10, 20 and 30 years respectively.
[00:12:47] But if my tale of widespread incompetence and ignorance is true, how can this be true?
[00:12:53] I have a theory. It's because...
[00:12:58] they don't use toilet seats.
[00:13:02] Now stay with me here.
[00:13:04] Despite some close calls I never squatted over a foul hole,
[00:13:09] but I saw and smelled hundreds of them
[00:13:12] and I'm convinced they're responsible for China's upcoming world domination.
[00:13:16] One of the most vexing problems in any Western heterosexual relationship
[00:13:21] is whether the toilet seat was left up or down.
[00:13:25] Consider how many arguments it starts, the stress it causes and the colossal waste of time.
[00:13:31] Let's say the average couple argues about the toilet seat for just 5 minutes a week.
[00:13:36] I know that's slow but I'm making a point.
[00:13:39] 5 minutes a week is more than 4 hours a year.
[00:13:43] Now let's guesstimate that of the 1.4 something billion Chinese,
[00:13:48] 750 million are in heterosexual relationships.
[00:13:53] Again, that's low.
[00:13:55] But it means that the Chinese aren't wasting over 3 billion hours a year,
[00:14:01] 4x750 million.
[00:14:03] And we are.
[00:14:05] So in every decade China's population enjoys 30 billion extra hours
[00:14:12] to work more, study more and make more Chinese people
[00:14:16] who will enjoy more than 30 billion extra hours
[00:14:19] to work more, study more, you get the idea.
[00:14:23] So if you're worried about a Chinese conquest of the planet,
[00:14:28] here's my suggestion to you.
[00:14:30] If the seat is down, gentlemen lift it up.
[00:14:34] If the seat is up, ladies put it down.
[00:14:38] And if my suffering and personal failure in China helps save the world for democracy,
[00:14:46] you're welcome.
[00:14:50] In the next episode of Party Inch...
[00:14:53] Oh there isn't one.
[00:14:54] But the all new expanded and improved audiobook will be available as soon as possible.
[00:15:01] While you wait why not go to Party In China on Patreon
[00:15:04] and donate enough for me to buy a beer?
[00:15:06] I promise I'll say choose to you before I drink it.
[00:15:09] I'll soon be back with some sort of new podcast.
[00:15:13] Don't know what yet but I will once again say,
[00:15:17] I'm Party Puzzler.
[00:15:19] Thank you for listening.